Ep. 45: Aziz Ansari and enthusiastic consent

February 8, 2018

This week I gather returning guests Amanda, Shannon and Carmen to drink some wine and talk all about the Babe.net story regarding Aziz Ansari. We get into the importance of encouraging enthusiastic consent, recognizing entitlement, the socialization of men and women and the unfortunate normalization of sexual misconduct, harassment and assault.

Why do we normalize these experiences to be just “bad dates”?
Why don’t some women “just say no”?
Why is consent not always a clear cut verbal response?
Why are men taught to be persistent and why are women taught to protect their egos?

We cover these questions and SO MUCH MORE in a very educative, passionate and important episode!

My Intro:

If you http://apple.co/2h2THxF following the news and everything going on with the me too movement and times up movement then you’ve probably heard about what happened with Aziz Ansari.

An article came out regarding sexual misconduct claims against him. A women essentially described her experience of going on a date with Aziz and the situation that unfolded depicts a lot of behaviours I think a lot of us will be familiar with. This is a situation that called for a discussion so I invited the girls back on to talk about it and we got into it all.

We essentially broke down the article and all the aspects to the story. Now, one important thing that came out of this discussion is the fact that enthusiastic and ongoing consent is so key to any sexual situation, whether it’s a first date, a hook up or a long term relationship. It’s super important to read your partner, and communicate and practice enthusiastic consent. And there’s been backlash on backlash on backlash about this which makes.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t identify with grace, and what she went through. I spent a good chunk of time getting over a casual relationship in which Aziz like behaviors were a regular occurrence. And there’s also been many times that girl friends have come to me describing a similar situation and usually what comes out of those conversations is “this fucked up thing happened, and because I didn’t verbally say no, he did nothing wrong…right?”

So I think women can look at this story and they identify with Grace and they think “holy crap I’ve been through similar things and I didn’t really realize this was wrong”. Because women are socialized to be polite, to not rock the boat and to not say anything that might put us in more danger.

And with guys I think it is the fact that they are socialized to be presistant and that sex is something they can convince women to give to them. Like they are entitled to it. And this is extremely problematic.

At the end of it all I really do think that this is a situation that men can learn from.
And we can take a look at it from various angles and become more aware of how our behavours are a reflection of how we are socialized as women and men.

Articles Mentioned:

“I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life” by Katie Way
“The female price of male pleasure” by Lili Loofbourow
Check out Amanda’s Facebook Page: FemPop!

Other articles to check out:

“What Therapists Want Us To Know About Aziz Ansari, ‘Bad Sex’ And #MeToo” by By Brittany Wong
“Aziz Ansari Allegations Show That People Have a Lot to Learn About Consent” by Kirsten King
“Hey Aziz Ansari defenders, saying ‘no’ is more complex than you think” by Rachel Thompson

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